Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tonight I went to the graveyard. My parents are in different cemeteries. I decided to go tonight, because I have to work all this weekend. Life of a nurse. Also, I went because Bigblock had not been overly nice. He wasn’t mean, just not nice, and I have not been feeling well so decided now is a good time to go. It really doesn’t matter if you’re 10 or 110, but when someone hurts your feelings or is just not mindful of your feelings you just want your Momma. I cannot tell you how often I’ve wanted my Momma in the last 21-years since she’s been gone.
I don’t know about you, but every time, even now, when I go to the cemetery I shed a few tears. Not for what is as much as what could have/should have been. I did not have a close mother-daughter relationship with my Mom, and an even more distant father-daughter relationship. I believe I’ve told you how my parents were divorced when I was a young girl, and my Mom left before I was an adult. It’s pretty pitiful, but as I was at my Moms’ grave, and yes I do talk to her, even though I know she’s not there, I am telling her “Mom look at me, I am driving a brand new car, and I have become a nurse, aren’t you proud of me?”. Even after my children are grown and I should be more secure in my life I find that I am still searching for approval from my Momma. Why is this?
Bigblock doesn’t do this. Although he did have a better relationship with his parents. Maybe it’s because he always knew he was loved. My parents were never ones to tell their children they loved them. Comparing our families I would have to say that mine might have been a little better off. We were not rich by any means, remember after the divorce it was Mom with eight children, but we never slept in old c ars because there was not enough room in the house, but we might have been 3 to a room! Ha! His parents were married throughout their lives whereas mine didn’t stay together though. I don’t want to belittle the struggles they had, but there must have been something there that my family lacked, because his family members do not appear to have the insecurities that mine do.
Enough of that, but as I drove through the cemetery I noticed all the tombstones, and this made me think of all the other people who also are missing should have been moments. For instance, the baby that didn’t live after being born. The young boy that should have become a young man, the mother and father that didn’t live to see their children march at graduation or walk down the aisle to become someone’s bride/husband, the grandmother or grandfather that didn’t live to see future generations. It really is sad, and I think this is the reason I cried, not only for myself, but for others should have been moments. Let’s face it, no one lives forever, but then again, some die way too soon.
A good thing came of my little jaunt tonight. Every time I have been to my Mom’s gravesite the grounds have been well cared for. Tonight I found out why. A young Amish lady, and yes I live right smack dab in the middle of Amish territory, was there with two of her children. Two little girls. One that was less than a year old, and one that was probably 5 or 6 years old. I’m sure that wherever you live there are people that you live by, but are not overly fond of. Now don’t get me wrong I am never discourteous to the Amish, but I did attend school with them, and let’s just say they are not the friendliest people. They stay within their own group, and most of my Amish classmates believed themselves better than the “English” as we were called. What a wake-up tonight. There was no reason this young mother should have there tending to the cemetery. I don’t believe any Amish are buried there, because they usually have their own cemeteries. I found it sad too that when she saw me stopping she felt the need to have the older child go to the younger one, but that is the life we live in now. No one feels safe anymore. Anyways I asked her about tending the graves, and she said “Yes, we’ve done it for several years, and always around Memorial Day”. Of course, I profusely thanked her. I wanted to give her a small gesture of my appreciation, but could not think of anything. Money is so impersonal, but what do you offer someone that lives so simply? However, I do know where she lives, and intend to do some good deed for her. Do you have any ideas? Please give me some insight.
I apologize for the long post, but when I write something I tend to do it like I’m talking to a best friend. That’s just the way I feel about all of you. I want to wish you all a Happy Memorial Day Holiday, be safe, and let your loved ones know how much they mean to you!