My Mom

I don't even know what brought theses thoughts to mind today. Maybe just my absent minded thinking about my schedule, and feeling a little sorry for myself. But whatever, I think it is worth putting into words.

My Mom. She worked hard in a factory, on her feet for long hours through the day. Probably did not make close to what I make an hour. Divorced around 1970. Here's the kicker though.....she already had EIGHT children and in November of 1970 would have another mouth to be responsible for. Five girls and four boys. We never were on welfare, but did get free lunches at school. As hard as it was for us, the children, to survive during those terrible times I wonder what was going through her mind? I cannot imagine being alone (or at times having a boyfriend that was so worthless as to let this woman take care of him along with all the children she already had)! Many times my Mom went to work and only had chocolate milk to drink, and that was ALL she had until she returned back home, and sometimes there wasn't much at home either. I don't believe she ever owned a new car. And, it must have seemed useless to buy new things, because with eight rowdy children how do you keep nice things nice? Oh, and after my Mom and Dad were granted a divorce one brother did go to live with Dad, and would come home from school at the age of 16 and find that Dad had moved without him! Another child to cram into a 14 x 70 feet wide mobile home with only 3 bedrooms and one bathroom. But there were no bad words to come out of her mouth, she just kept putting one foot in front of the other. What must have went through her mind when her ex-husband was supposed to only pay $25.00 a week support for EIGHT children, and rarely paid?

I don't ever remember her saying bad words about anyone. She never complained. One day she just left all her responsibilities behind. How tired of life she must have been to abandon her family? I remember feeling lost, and so afraid. My younger brothers and sister would not live with her again, but would be raised by an older sister. All nine of her children have her work ethic. All nine of her children are strong individuals. But, I wonder what could have been accomplished if someone had just put a little effort in praising and encouraging us? No one ever told any myself or my siblings that we could accomplish great things. It was left to us to pull our self up by our bootstraps or to fail. We pulled ourselves up, and we have accomplished more than anyone ever thought we would!

This has really put my life into perspective for me today. I have a good life. I've had the new car, house, and so forth. When I want to say "enough", I can't take anymore I think about Mom. She must have been thinking that everyday of her life. For many years I didn't understand some of the choices she made. Only when I became a parent too, did I finally get a little glimpse of what she went through. But, sometimes I still have to wonder how could she have left her children, so young and vulnerable? I guess I'll never know. But, it's left me with the fear that I'll always be abandoned by the ones that I love.....

My Mom died in 1989. Fought cancer, but there was no victory for her, only pain. How cruel, that she had a pain filled life and died in pain. Really gets my goat that two of her sisters that never accomplished anything, never worked a day in their life, still breath. Where is the fairness in that?

So today, I want to say "Thank you, Mom". You made me the strong woman I am today. I will always love you Mom. I miss you, and would give anything to be able to talk to you again, and give you a hug, and tell you I'm sorry for not appreciating you when you were alive. I pray that we are together again......