Just Dropping in to Say HELLO

I can't believe I have neglected this place for so long! I finished my 1st semester in the Registered Nurse program, whew!! It's been cold here, oh how I would love to move to a warmer climate.

How is life treating you? I have another question for you (I'm sure you're thinking when doesn't she have a question for us HA!) Ok, here it is: what blogs inspire you? Who do you love to visit? There are so many for me, I wish we could all live just down the block from each other and visit.

I have to start getting ready for work, but I will be checking in on ya'll soon!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I am NAKED

....or rather, my blog is naked. I saw the signs..you know the ones, that say this design is going to disappear. Well, I didn't pay attention...no time...hoped it wouldn't disappear after all...no such luck. So, I have to work tonight, but maybe this weekend I can find something I like. Maybe redesign the whole thing.

Anyways, I've missed you all.

I will leave you with a funny tale...Bigblock and I were garage selling and it started to pour rain. We were stopped at an intersection and saw a young lady run up to a truck and jump in the passenger side. Shortly, a young man came along pushing a small infant in a stroller. So he grabs the baby out of the stroller and jumps into the truck. About now I'm thinking he will hand the baby off to the Mom, and he will get out into the rain and store the stroller in the back of the truck. You know where this is going don't you?

Well he doesn't get out, but the young woman does, and collapses the stroller and stores it in the back of the truck. In amazement I state, "They're everywhere" to which BIgblock says, "What do you mean?" Oops, now how to backtrack?

I don't remember exactly what I said, probably "oh look, it's our turn to go" or something along those lines. How do you get out of these situations?

If it didn't seem funny to you, well I guess you had to be there. Oh, and why oh why, when you tell a man (and I'm sure men go through the same thing)EXACTLY where you want to go to, that they take you everywhere but where you said?

Have a great day! Hope you're managing to stay cool wherever you are!

Memorial Day

Tonight I went to the graveyard. My parents are in different cemeteries. I decided to go tonight, because I have to work all this weekend. Life of a nurse. Also, I went because Bigblock had not been overly nice. He wasn’t mean, just not nice, and I have not been feeling well so decided now is a good time to go. It really doesn’t matter if you’re 10 or 110, but when someone hurts your feelings or is just not mindful of your feelings you just want your Momma. I cannot tell you how often I’ve wanted my Momma in the last 21-years since she’s been gone.

I don’t know about you, but every time, even now, when I go to the cemetery I shed a few tears. Not for what is as much as what could have/should have been. I did not have a close mother-daughter relationship with my Mom, and an even more distant father-daughter relationship. I believe I’ve told you how my parents were divorced when I was a young girl, and my Mom left before I was an adult. It’s pretty pitiful, but as I was at my Moms’ grave, and yes I do talk to her, even though I know she’s not there, I am telling her “Mom look at me, I am driving a brand new car, and I have become a nurse, aren’t you proud of me?”. Even after my children are grown and I should be more secure in my life I find that I am still searching for approval from my Momma. Why is this?

Bigblock doesn’t do this. Although he did have a better relationship with his parents. Maybe it’s because he always knew he was loved. My parents were never ones to tell their children they loved them. Comparing our families I would have to say that mine might have been a little better off. We were not rich by any means, remember after the divorce it was Mom with eight children, but we never slept in old c ars because there was not enough room in the house, but we might have been 3 to a room! Ha! His parents were married throughout their lives whereas mine didn’t stay together though. I don’t want to belittle the struggles they had, but there must have been something there that my family lacked, because his family members do not appear to have the insecurities that mine do.

Enough of that, but as I drove through the cemetery I noticed all the tombstones, and this made me think of all the other people who also are missing should have been moments. For instance, the baby that didn’t live after being born. The young boy that should have become a young man, the mother and father that didn’t live to see their children march at graduation or walk down the aisle to become someone’s bride/husband, the grandmother or grandfather that didn’t live to see future generations. It really is sad, and I think this is the reason I cried, not only for myself, but for others should have been moments. Let’s face it, no one lives forever, but then again, some die way too soon.

A good thing came of my little jaunt tonight. Every time I have been to my Mom’s gravesite the grounds have been well cared for. Tonight I found out why. A young Amish lady, and yes I live right smack dab in the middle of Amish territory, was there with two of her children. Two little girls. One that was less than a year old, and one that was probably 5 or 6 years old. I’m sure that wherever you live there are people that you live by, but are not overly fond of. Now don’t get me wrong I am never discourteous to the Amish, but I did attend school with them, and let’s just say they are not the friendliest people. They stay within their own group, and most of my Amish classmates believed themselves better than the “English” as we were called. What a wake-up tonight. There was no reason this young mother should have there tending to the cemetery. I don’t believe any Amish are buried there, because they usually have their own cemeteries. I found it sad too that when she saw me stopping she felt the need to have the older child go to the younger one, but that is the life we live in now. No one feels safe anymore. Anyways I asked her about tending the graves, and she said “Yes, we’ve done it for several years, and always around Memorial Day”. Of course, I profusely thanked her. I wanted to give her a small gesture of my appreciation, but could not think of anything. Money is so impersonal, but what do you offer someone that lives so simply? However, I do know where she lives, and intend to do some good deed for her. Do you have any ideas? Please give me some insight.

I apologize for the long post, but when I write something I tend to do it like I’m talking to a best friend. That’s just the way I feel about all of you. I want to wish you all a Happy Memorial Day Holiday, be safe, and let your loved ones know how much they mean to you!

What if....

The other day I was reading someones Facebook post. It went something like this: Why is it you have to renew your driver's license and fishing license, but not your marriage license? I want to give you some background info on this person. She is getting married May 15, it's a second marriage, has one child-a girl that has finished college and lives on her own, never really been on her own. Okay enough info. I just wanted to say that post really made me think.

I think that everyone knows, and a lot of people feel the same way, marriages are not perfect. We all have our times when we ask what if? what if we hadn't got married? what if I hadn't married this person? what if I had finished (fill in the blank) before getting married? I could go on and on with what ifs, but really have you thought of it, what if you had to renew your marriage license? Would you renew or would you go in a different direction with your life?

I told Bigblock about this person's post on Facebook, and my reply, which was "People wouldn't renew their license LOL". He said that he would renew the license. I said I wouldn't. I know, that probably hurt his feelings, and that was not my intent at all. However, I have been thinking about this for probably the last two weeks.

Just think, what if you had to renew your marriage license every year? or every two years? or maybe five, or ten? Would you renew, and what are your reasons?

When I was raising Thing 1 and 2 I would have renewed. This is probably not a popular reason, but I felt that my boys needed both parents. I was raised in a broken home, and didn't want the same for my children. Sometimes I think the reason for the high divorce rate is because the parties don't put the children as the priority. The husband/wife just know they're not happy, and so leave. I would NEVER say to anyone to stay in an abusive relationship, if however you're just not happy with your life choice, think about the children first! Now that Thing 1 and 2 are grown, it is so much easier to say, No I wouldn't renew. However I have my reasons for staying. Among them are that I still care for Bigblock, but I don't love him like I used to or even probably like he deserves. I have life goals that are easier to accomplish, and at the same time, harder to accomplish staying here.

Now, it's YOUR turn! What if you had to renew your marriage license? Would you or not, and what is your rationale? Talk to me...........






P.s Happy Mothers Day

Today...

has been an interesting day. I've often felt like crying, and for no reason. I think stress from life/school/children is getting to me. For anyone who doesn't know, I have a full time job, another job where I get called as needed, and am going to school part-time.

Bigblock doesn't help around the house, as a matter of fact I was mad at him for most of last week because on top of everything else I was also taking the garbage out! He works 8 hours a day, and the rest of his day consists of laying at the end of the bed watching TV and napping! Aaarrrgggghhhh So now he takes out the garbage but nothing else, oh wait, he does do his own work clothes laundry, and goes to the store once a week with me. (Big help, right?)

Thing 1 and Thing 2 are worrying me now for various reasons that I really don't want to go into right now....soon, I hope.

Also, do you ever have days when you're just tired? I don't mean physically tired, but just tired of the whole business of life? It seems like some people push this ole world around, and some people are only along for the ride. I'M TIRED OF PUSHING!! I realize that I have a good life, and there are others who have it so much worse than I do. I don't know about you, but life doesn't seem to get any easier. Life is NOT fair, I realized this a long time ago. I have faith in my God, and try to be a bigger person than the one who abuses the system. But, that doesn't mean sometimes I'm not just at the end of my rope. I'm still holding on though!

Ok, off my soapbox. I've been thinking about the years when I was growing up, and I've got some stories to tell you, but not tonight. You'll just have to come back again and see if I've posted them yet HaHa!!

Thankfully the weather is turning nice, can't wait for the sunshine and warm temps! Now, how are YOU doing? What's happening in YOUR life? I really want to get to know you too. Leave me a comment and tell me something about yourself, or just ask me a question, any question. (do you see her shamelessly begging for comments, Ha)
Goodnight all,





P.S. Thanks everyone for asking I have been sleeping fine, and thankfully no more bad dreams. I do occasionally think about my nightmare, but less often and hopefully I have it in better perspective and realize it was just a bad, bad dream.

I Had a Dream.....

Before I get started, I wanted to recognize all my followers. I never expected to really have anyone reading my ramblings, but apparently there are a few that do....so THANK YOU! Make yourself at home...

Now for my title...I went to bed last night about 11 p.m. I've been feeling pretty good about things lately, we are getting more sunshine, the birds are singing in the morning when I walk out, temps are ever so slowly inching up, so nothing really bothering me. Anyways I woke up at 2 a.m., and for the life of me I could not lay there any longer. I had a HORRIBLE dream, well probably best to call a spade a spade, it was a nightmare!!! I recognized some of the people in this awful dream, others I did not. I was in a place I know I've never been before. It almost felt like I knew what was going to happen even before it occurred. But still as the dream unfolded I was horrified! I usually don't experience these things often. Most mornings I wake up, and never remember dreaming at all. However, this one has stayed with me all day. I am unsettled to say the least. I realize that it was just a bad dream, and will more than likely never come to pass, oh how I pray!

Have you ever experienced something like this just so awful, and you just can't put it out of your mind. I know I am probably not making alot of sense, but I am really unsettled by it, and I dread going to sleep tonight. Please leave me your thoughts. Do you think that we have premonition of things to come in dreams so that when they do happen, that we are more able to handle them? Or is it just something that happens with no rhyme or reason?

My Mom

I don't even know what brought theses thoughts to mind today. Maybe just my absent minded thinking about my schedule, and feeling a little sorry for myself. But whatever, I think it is worth putting into words.

My Mom. She worked hard in a factory, on her feet for long hours through the day. Probably did not make close to what I make an hour. Divorced around 1970. Here's the kicker though.....she already had EIGHT children and in November of 1970 would have another mouth to be responsible for. Five girls and four boys. We never were on welfare, but did get free lunches at school. As hard as it was for us, the children, to survive during those terrible times I wonder what was going through her mind? I cannot imagine being alone (or at times having a boyfriend that was so worthless as to let this woman take care of him along with all the children she already had)! Many times my Mom went to work and only had chocolate milk to drink, and that was ALL she had until she returned back home, and sometimes there wasn't much at home either. I don't believe she ever owned a new car. And, it must have seemed useless to buy new things, because with eight rowdy children how do you keep nice things nice? Oh, and after my Mom and Dad were granted a divorce one brother did go to live with Dad, and would come home from school at the age of 16 and find that Dad had moved without him! Another child to cram into a 14 x 70 feet wide mobile home with only 3 bedrooms and one bathroom. But there were no bad words to come out of her mouth, she just kept putting one foot in front of the other. What must have went through her mind when her ex-husband was supposed to only pay $25.00 a week support for EIGHT children, and rarely paid?

I don't ever remember her saying bad words about anyone. She never complained. One day she just left all her responsibilities behind. How tired of life she must have been to abandon her family? I remember feeling lost, and so afraid. My younger brothers and sister would not live with her again, but would be raised by an older sister. All nine of her children have her work ethic. All nine of her children are strong individuals. But, I wonder what could have been accomplished if someone had just put a little effort in praising and encouraging us? No one ever told any myself or my siblings that we could accomplish great things. It was left to us to pull our self up by our bootstraps or to fail. We pulled ourselves up, and we have accomplished more than anyone ever thought we would!

This has really put my life into perspective for me today. I have a good life. I've had the new car, house, and so forth. When I want to say "enough", I can't take anymore I think about Mom. She must have been thinking that everyday of her life. For many years I didn't understand some of the choices she made. Only when I became a parent too, did I finally get a little glimpse of what she went through. But, sometimes I still have to wonder how could she have left her children, so young and vulnerable? I guess I'll never know. But, it's left me with the fear that I'll always be abandoned by the ones that I love.....

My Mom died in 1989. Fought cancer, but there was no victory for her, only pain. How cruel, that she had a pain filled life and died in pain. Really gets my goat that two of her sisters that never accomplished anything, never worked a day in their life, still breath. Where is the fairness in that?

So today, I want to say "Thank you, Mom". You made me the strong woman I am today. I will always love you Mom. I miss you, and would give anything to be able to talk to you again, and give you a hug, and tell you I'm sorry for not appreciating you when you were alive. I pray that we are together again......